


The Silly Ones Are the Most Dangerous

by Talik_Sanis



Series: Miraculous Crackfics [16]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Alya Césaire Knows, Crack, Eiffel Tower, F/M, French Kissing, Hot Mess Marinette Dupain-Cheng, Humor, Identity Reveal, Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug Identity Reveal, Not Serious, Original Akuma, This Is STUPID, Truth Spells
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:09:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28876209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talik_Sanis/pseuds/Talik_Sanis
Summary: Alya ducked behind the dumpster leaving only her phone hand up to keep filming as Chat Noir was knocked aside and a truth beam hit Ladybug."Tell me who you trust!" demanded the akuma."Alya Cessaire."Alya froze. She was that high in Ladybug's trust? But the hero barely knew her! Unless it was a trust formed in the hero's civilian life? That narrowed things down.Through a keen process of deduction, Alya finally uncovers Ladybug's civilian identity and confronts Marinette, Adrien, and Nino with the revelation.
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug
Series: Miraculous Crackfics [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1755580
Comments: 22
Kudos: 159





	The Silly Ones Are the Most Dangerous

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a prompt from Lou from the Miraculous Fanworks discord server.

The capabilities and appearances of Hawkmoth's akumas were widely varied; there was never a clear way to predict what, or who, might appear or what powers they might manifest.

Strangely, Alya had found that it was what the public had generously termed "The Silly Akuma" that seemed to pose the greatest challenge to Ladybug and Chat Noir: villains whose powers were so outlandish and unpredictable that even Ladybug's keen and ... distinctly unorthodox mind struggled to keep pace with their madness.

 _Gall-I-form_ , who had the power to turn people into chickens of both the living and rubber variety was one such menace, as was, though Alya tried to hide the fact from her boyfriend, _The Bubbler_.

Verita-tas, who was apparently tired of being passed over by men due to the fact that her ... boobs were natural a-cups and she didn't want to get implants, was currently conjuring forth a strange magical miasma that she could direct to ensorcell citizens into unveiling truths, either physical or emotional.

Most people began fleeing the scene of her assault, babbling secrets about having stolen chocolate bars when they were young or blithering about their tastes in adult entertainment, but one in every five or so received special attention from Verita-tas, and were posed pointed questions which they appeared to be forced to answer truthfully.

Women with boob-jobs just ... went back to their regular size.

It was actually quite offensive, as many women received breast reduction in order to address potential spinal issues, or augmentation for all manner of legitimate reasons.

Alya ducked behind the dumpster leaving only her phone hand up to keep filming as Chat Noir was knocked aside and a truth beam hit Ladybug.

"Tell me who you trust!" demanded the akuma.

"Chat Noir."

The akuma rolled its eyes. "Nope. Too predictable. Who else?"  
  
"Alya Cessaire."  
  
Alya froze. She was that high in Ladybug's trust? But the hero barely knew her!

Unless it was a trust formed in the hero's civilian life?

That narrowed things down...

* * *

"I know you're Ladybug."

In their classroom, Marinette choked on a macaron, clutching at her throat and nearly tumbling out of her seat to writhe on the floor.

It stood to reason that she'd react this way. Alya had just fundamentally transformed her world. It was good that only Nino and Adrien were there to witness the breakdown.

"I, uh, Ladybub- bugs! Is not – I, which is my- What?"  
  
That was a very plausible, cool deflection.

Well-played, Marinette.

"Uh," Adrien interjected, fiddling with his pencils and tearing remnants of paper free from the spine of his spiral notebook as he so clearly stepped in to take the pressure off Marinette, just as she tried to do with him.

Sweet boy. Sweeter than Alya had imagined, even. He really _was_ good enough for her girl, so much so that she was nearly jealous, even if Nino was a gem.

"That's not possible, Alya.” His lips quivered with the effort to hold back either a scream or laughter. “Think about it. Ladybug has been seen with all of us."

"Not Marinette," Nino piped up from beside his best friend, and it must have been some form of support, though she put him back in his place with a glare.

Not the time to interrupt her journalistic masterstroke.

"And even then, think about it, _Ladybug_ ," Alya stressed to try to bolster her best friend's spirits with a little levity as she countered Adrien, "has the Fox miraculous. _She_ could create an illusion of her standing beside Superman and the Grinch Who Stole Christmas and we'd be none the wiser, and I've always... known that the miraculous can change a user's appearance."

Not true given her experience with the Fox miraculous, but she had to keep that a secret from the one friend who was "not in the know" here.  
  
With a cough, eyes blowing so wide it looked like they were all pupil, the previously aloof Adrien wheeled on Marinette and stared at her pigtails as if seeing them for the first time, drinking in the lustrous sheen and cute poofiness as Marinette somehow butt-wiggled in her seat.

Strange.

And Alya chose to take that as a regular butt-wiggle and nothing more.

The desire to press forward was strong, but the way the pair of them gazed into each other's eyes like they were drowning was enough to hold her back for just a few moments as she spun her cell phone in her hands.

Eventually, when the pair began to sweat under the heat of their unblinking gaze, even the fact that her ship seemed to be sailing for some reason – at least at half mast if Adrien's was anything to go by – was not enough.

"See. It all makes sense, doesn't it?"

Marinette swallowed, fiddling with her earring while still staring at Adrien. "Slur you – ugh! Sure you're hot the – _you've got_ the right person?"

To illustrate the impeccable and indisputable logic that had finally allowed her to grok that _Ladybug_ has been sitting within arm's reach of her in class, Alya flicked to a carefully pre-prepared bullet point list on her cell phone and began to read off key points.

"Absolutely. I've narrowed it down progressively. I know that Ladybug is around our age thanks to her having dropped her history book-"

"Ugh, this again?" Marinette grunted, but Alya was a good friend and chose to _mostly_ ignore the dismissive outburst as Marinette smacked her face to her folded arms, resting on their desk.

"Rude." A glare that Marinette, who is still whining into her forearms, could not see did nothing but scare off Nino and Adrien, who inched away from her when she rounded on each of them in turn, dissatisfied by the lack of reaction from her best friend.

"There's also the fact that you always disappear during akuma attacks, and, sorry, have really horrible excuses that make no sense. Plus, you've got the heart of a hero, always ready to believe the best of people and give them the chance to change and grow."

Now, Adrien started to heat up, his attention and already narrowed eyes being drawn back to Marinette's shivering form that was rocked with what Alya assumes must be shudders of ... disbelief.

People totally shuddered from disbelief, right?

No matter. She had to press on.

"And the fact that latest Akuma forced Ladybug to say that she trusted Chat Noir and _me_ of all people let me know that the heroine of Paris had to be someone very close by."

“It can't be,” Adrien began with a slowly spreading grin that was all smooth and easy confidence, somewhat akin to the Cheshire Cat's phantom smile in _Alice in Wonderland_. “I mean, I _love_ Ladybug.”

The urge to smack him was strong, and, identity reveal be damned, Alya was on the verge of doing just that to protect her friend. She had her cell-phone-throwing arm cocked, having practised the Ladybug yo-yo toss a thousand times while she was alone in her bedroom, but froze when she saw Marinette's heavy blush.

"You- you do?"  
  
"Yeah." Adrien sighed, hand to his chin as he stared at Alya's bestie like a love-sick puppy. "She's _amazing_. Kind and generous, whip-clever with all of those fantastic plans of hers, and just gorgeous. The only thing that's more beautiful than her eyes is her heart."

Marinette's face was now flaming.

This conversation was getting stranger by the minute.

Having found herself just on the verge of breaching her target's defences, Alya would have continued to press, but it was at that point that a reverberating shockwave blew out their classroom widows, sending all four of them scrambling under their desks to shield themselves from flying shards of glass.

When she emerged from hiding, both her best friend and the model were gone.

Not a problem.

As she raced out the door, cell-phone camera in hand to capture video footage of the akuma battle that was about to ensue, she comforted herself with a simple fact.

Now, she knew just where to find Ladybug, whether at home or in the guise of the Heroine of Paris.

* * *

Alya stared at the photo that had been uploaded to the Ladyblog's fan submission email account, shaking her head.

Her yo-yo lashed around one of the Eiffel tower's support beams, Ladybug was clutching a slightly effeminate model in her arms, half-bridal carrying him to show off the rigid iron strength of the musculature that weaved its way around her back and shoulders, seeming to bulge and ripple even though she was motionless in the photo. From the little dab of pink and the subtle glistening of saliva around their conjoined mouths, it was quite clear that the two of them were well and truly... French.

Alya scoffed as she broke out photoshop to search for any telltale pixelation while also using her experience with the Fox miraculous to seek out any subtle signs of illusion magic.

"Nice try, Adrien." She shook her head. "I know all the tricks. You shouldn't have given me the Fox miraculous if you wanted to keep your secret identity safe."

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah... 
> 
> Alya is not the person in this group who has a braincell, it seems. 
> 
> Ask no questions, for this is crack.


End file.
